Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
