Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
