How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
