Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
