Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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