I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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