Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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