he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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