Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
