There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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