You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize