he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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