Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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