woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
