You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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