God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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