The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
bring money and cleavage
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
