i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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