Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
