Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
