I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
