You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There r osticjed everywhere
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
