How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
