Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
