I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
