You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
