Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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