No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
