k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
BRING THE BAGELS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
