You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
