she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
