I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
