thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
