so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
