I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
