he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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