I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
In America we eat man semen.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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