new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
