around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
