Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
