When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
