totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
