The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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