At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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