my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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