areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
