Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
4 words: hood of his car
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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