I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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