Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
