the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
