it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
