is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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