How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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