you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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