dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
