my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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