I saw his package. It spoke to me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
