Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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