you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
